I am pretty tired of being cooped up all alone. I am not sure, but I think I am the only one I know who spends this much time going within, trying to figure myself and the world out. I am sick of peeling back the onion and finding another layer of pain, consequences of my choices. I have had very few distractions in my condo. I keep re-assessing where I am on my journey. Why am I not further along? Where is enlightenment?
I ignored my gifts of empathy, knowing and healing since I was very young. Who would ever take me serious? I married someone who thought I was a joke. He told me once that I should just talk into a mirror because I had no value. He walked away when I was talking and belittled me in front of my kids. I bought it all. I fell for it, hook, line and sinker! Worthless!
I asked him why he was the only person who didn’t like me. Then he worked to make me feel like nobody else liked me either, including my kids. The funny thing was I did have people who loved and appreciated me. However, the people that mattered the most to me found me worthless unless I was being who they wanted me to be. When I tried to share my gifts with them, they told me I was a bother, ignored me or laughed at me.
Why would anyone want to stay married to someone they dislike? I asked him that too. I realized after years of praying for him to change, I needed to change. The little girl with big dreams, a big loving heart who loves people was crushed by life. It was time to reclaim what I had let go of. I needed to see my own value. I had to own my gifts and be who I have always wanted to be, ME! I want to be the person I chose before being born. So I left.
All I ever wanted was to be married, be a mom and be a valuable part of society. The scariest thing I ever did was get a divorce. I was petrified. I did not know that unraveling from the web of abuse would take years. In the end, it was never his fault. He never changed. I did. I had to break the thought pattern. Nobody could do anything for me.
I had to find strength within. Remember who I was. Give myself permission to live for me. It is ok for me to pursue my dreams. I am not selfish. I had to forgive myself for my choices. I needed to release those who matter most to me knowing that I may not be who they want me to be. I am not a joke, even if they think I am.
Even if those who matter most are put off by me living my purpose, it is really what is best for everyone. When we own our purpose and stay aligned to it, the universe is a better place. It is whole. Whether it feels good or not, by living our dreams, the people who matter most are blessed. The only one that really matters when it comes to my dreams, my hopes, my happiness, my well being, my gifts is me. I chose a long time ago to ignore them. I thought someone else would take care of them for me. I am sorry for that. I am responsible for me.
Who matters to you?
Tell me what’s going on in your life. I want to hear from you.
Wishing you love, balance and peace!
Amore & Baci,