Last week my husband called me as I was leaving a doctor’s appointment with one of our boys. He said, “am I on speaker?” I knew something was up, a sick feeling came over me. I said, “no.” He proceeded to tell me one of our other boys was in a car accident and he’s ok. I sighed with relief and listened to the details. Later I called my son and told him, no matter what, as long as he’s ok, we can deal with anything. His safety and well-being was more important to us than any car. I found myself choked and tearing up, even though I wasn’t emotional at all a few minutes earlier. But the truth does this. The reality that my boys’ lives are my priority evoked my mother-heart to spill over with uncontrollable feeling. It’s all going to be ok.
As I approach my 46th birthday, I find myself reflecting on the progress I have made in my personal journey, what it has meant for me and the people around me. The obstacles I have faced had, at one point or another, seemed insurmountable. Most of the pit stops on my path largely entailed looking in the mirror, going inside, facing myself, the good the bad and the ugly. It was at these moments I knew something wasn’t quite right. I was not happy. What was holding me back from enjoying my life?
Facing myself was so scary. I realized that whatever I was doing, whatever my behavior, reaction to my environment, anger at the people in my world, was a direct result of me not being true to myself. I was not living as a gift to the world, but was hiding behind some facade of what I thought the world wanted from me. As I continued in my Bizarro bubble, I became more unsettled and agitated.
What to do? I have this tremendous desire to experience life to its fullest, to be truly joyful and happy…the real McCoy for me. I wanted honest felicity. So I had to face my demon of the day, whatever was disrupting my spirit. This is the where we decide to step into the ring and fight, or watch the excitement from the audience. This is the deciding point where I could either sweep it all under the rug and continue my charade or confront my junk. I just couldn’t keep pretending. I took the first long look into the mirror and resolved to make the necessary changes and attitude adjustments, no matter how dreadful.
People can say how courageous this may have been and will continue to be as I continue to peel the layers away. I don’t call it courage. I call it desire to delight in all that God has given me. It’s an insatiable quest for wholeness that enjoys all that surrounds me. I want this more than I fear the challenge of facing myself.
I know many of you say you cannot do it. You may even believe you have nothing to change, great place to be. I tell you, you will be happier, more peaceful if you just look in the mirror. If I did it, you can. My words to you are the same as the ones to my son, “It’s all going to be ok.” And from the theme to Mary Tyler-Moore: “Who can turn the world on with her smile?…You’re gonna make it after all!”
Tell me what’s going on in your life. I want to hear from you.
Wishing you love, balance and peace!
Amore & Baci,